For me crossdressing has always been a dark pull, like a gravity, or wet jeans that suck and tease me down, down, down. I don't mean to paint it darkly, but darkly it often feels, for because I am a secondary, or latent transperson, it is cognitively difficult at times to strip away hiding and lying patterns of defenses that I have employed over the years.
When I came out to my spouse, it was one of the most awful psychic rippings I've taken in my 35+ years on the planet. And for the better part of a year I have not had those darkly thoughts, those defensive maneuverings.
It's like I'm out of the closet, but I'm in a bigger closet.
Me spouse is right to hold me fast to being secret in the big woody south. Still, sometimes I feel like she doesn't want me to express my true self at all, unless we're shopping.
It's bizarre. I'm getting mixed signals.
I feel like a child whose mother is disapproving of the friends I have chosen.
Only my friends live in my heart and head and want to come over more often.
Sigh.
What's a gal to do?
The above pic is Candy Darling, pure genius.
What a great analogy (child - mother), I can totally relate.
ReplyDeleteMy closet grew a little more than yours. The wife doesn't want to meet Leslie, but she encourages my attendance at the local support group. Still a closet, but one I share with many others once a month. Any such options in your part of the big woody south?
ReplyDeleteI'm telling you! Ugh.
ReplyDeleteNo Leslie, no meetings in the deep dark woods. I have a bead on a group that's two hours away, but I don't know if they even meet anymore.
why can't we be we?
On the sucks scale, that's about a 7.5!
ReplyDelete