Tranny Madness

Tranny madness

I'm never sure how you other sisters process/exist in your trans consciousness. Sometimes I am all woman. Sometimes I am reaffirming myself as a girl, woman, transsexual. Rarely is it far from my mind.

This leads to lots of transflections, all of the many years and hours and days and hearts I have been entangled in a dual state.

Recently I discussed my issues with an old friend who covers the drag scene and is a GLBT activist.

Since I hadn't seen him since college, old memory lane became a happening and suddenly I was back in college hanging out at the gay bars and seedy streets where all the tg/ts hookers hung out. I used to pretend I was a reporter from the college covering sex changes and interviewed/flirted with etc. I was excited by them and excited by the idea of a sex change. I did this about four times. Perhaps five, some of the evenings blur together. I didn't hook up with these women, only hung out with them. Just trying to figure out what the hell was going on with me. Am I gay? Am I a tranny chaser? Am I a transsexual?

I already crossdressed, but it was a shameful coal I kept burning. Sometimes I managed to pre-exist it, that is to live with a heart that has never tap danced with gender bending. With femininity, with my secret self.

My old friend had figured himself out early. I know because he was my first experience. Period. And for a while I wanted him to be my boyfriend, and then predictably denied it till the experience was someone else's life.

Crazy. But not so much. The memory when compartmentalized can be a powerful consciousness.