Saturday, October 17, 2009
Dear me, in the closet again?
For me crossdressing has always been a dark pull, like a gravity, or wet jeans that suck and tease me down, down, down. I don't mean to paint it darkly, but darkly it often feels, for because I am a secondary, or latent transperson, it is cognitively difficult at times to strip away hiding and lying patterns of defenses that I have employed over the years.
When I came out to my spouse, it was one of the most awful psychic rippings I've taken in my 35+ years on the planet. And for the better part of a year I have not had those darkly thoughts, those defensive maneuverings.
It's like I'm out of the closet, but I'm in a bigger closet.
Me spouse is right to hold me fast to being secret in the big woody south. Still, sometimes I feel like she doesn't want me to express my true self at all, unless we're shopping.
It's bizarre. I'm getting mixed signals.
I feel like a child whose mother is disapproving of the friends I have chosen.
Only my friends live in my heart and head and want to come over more often.
What's a gal to do?
The above pic is Candy Darling, pure genius.