Showing posts with label cognitive dissonance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cognitive dissonance. Show all posts

Friday, March 27, 2009

Whew...domestic bliss


Thank god.

This week has been like a whip snap mop attack, my nerves stretched thin, my exhaustion complete. Thanks work. Thanks job, I couldn't have done it without you...

Plus, I haven't femulated in sooo long.

(in my mind I'm tapping my fingernails, red, long, self-manicured, along the kitchen counter)

Until tonight.

Interesting behavorial observation:

During the last twelve days (I get to go all out one night a week, and my general, subtle feminine ways are allowable during the rest of the week. Putting it that way sounds bad, but what it really amounts to is baby steps. My wife is allowing this to grow, but prefers an organic, slower process--I'm down. I prefer it quick and fast) perhaps out of conditioning, perhaps from my heart, I have found myself mentally skipping from male dominated energies to female dominated energies at an hourly pace. Most of my life the female urges have been dominated by waves, to borrow the metaphor from Petra but now I find my energies switching more frequently.

It's nice. I will monitor. I will report, report, report.

But I digress...so finding myself alone for an extra two hours this afternoon and gasp...went outside to take the trash to the bin, in 5 inch heels, boi jeans and a gyrl tee, allowing my feminine steps to enlarge at the hips and shorten at the knee. It feels natural that way, and cautious too, for I am not gliding in 5 inch heels, 3 yes, in 5 I'm more than competent, but my grace fades at times from lack of experience.

And I have begun the evening with casual attire. Sandals, jeans, cheap Big Lots blouse (bland but serviceable in a variety of outfits), and a 70s orange headband

And after a break a black pencil skirt, pink blouse, hose.

And after and after and after....

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Musings...and go George Mason for electing a Drag Queen to Homecoming Queen

Sisters, I have been actively crossdressing since I was 11. Yet, it has only been in the last few months I've done so with no psychic plaque and ego crushing guilt and shame. The last time I felt this free with dressing was when I was a tween.

Thank God!

Exactly one year ago I contemplated a gruesome Faulknerian suicide just so I wouldn't think about all this T-stuff. I couldn't deal.

So I went to therapy.

I hate to loose.

And friends, mister sisters, gals, and ladies...it took me a while to open up to my counselor. I went in every session thinking "this is it. I'm telling her today." And eventually I came out.

And it snowballed.

I was dressing the whole time, in fits and starts, hoping I could manage it myself. But I couldn't. The husband-father-friend guilt sucked me down into a hole.

Somtimes it wasn't so bad, but most of the time...

I can't explain the phenomenon of crossdressing any better than anyone else, but doing so without the ugh! of deceit and fear is frakking liberating.

My spouse is supportive to a point, and that's tre cool with this gal.

My kids, very young, call me Mommy, or Dadme, or Momde... For Halloween my oldest proclaimed I should be a witch. They can tell, I think, on some level.

Interesting note: in a recent study, psychologists noted that people who used fake avatars, pics, and identities on-line experienced confidence boosts. This age of gaming where boys can play as girls, and vice-versa, could be the foundation of the future culture where the barriers of gender are stripped further down to the bones.

George Mason, a fine southern middle of the road Academic institution elected a gay crossdresser for homecomming queen.