The Crossdresser/Transgendered as Maverick. As artist.
What does it mean to be T?: Day to day living.
Closet Fashionista? Like a Cylon switched on
to stare down the lady in my head that runs the controls.
What is this waking life? This fiddle faddle illusion?
Often I am shocked at myself. A grown man, at least clearly presenting as a man, masculine in most regards except
for flourishes, finishes of the wrist, of foot, or in vocal tones
and pitches, something like a note stuck between
The older I get the more feminine I feel. Often
The more masculine too.
Day to day working loving managing family being a husband/wife spouse
I try not to think about being T,
Or presenting as such and such and so and so.
What it means, if anything, is empowerment to bridge roles
and if you are transitioning, biology.
It’s special if you allow it. Because in the span of fifteen minutes can
Split firewood with masculine strength and tender caress my wife
With more sensitivity than I did since I came out of the closet
And just admitted to myself that my spirit
Had one leg in each world.
For us married T people our spouses are an ever presence of strength,
Inspiration and anxiety.
My wife is stylish, and though she wishes not to see me presenting as woman
I cannot blame her. After all would you want your spouse to present masculine?
Probably not. Maybe so, in any regards one must respect her wish.
So to say I am completely worry free in w/r/t my marriage,
I do worry that sometimes she sees me as less
That in being honest with myself
I have not grown, in her eyes,
And sometimes I am surprise. For Valentine’s Day she gave me a hand-bag.
Flirty, simple, cotton, girly, and masculine. Perfect for jeans, my 3 inch sandals, and a cute top, or a floral skirt, which I favor.
As a teenager I rejected materialism, but embraced a femmy style, long hair, long nails, lots of hippie jewelry and colors. I often wore more jewelry than my gfs.
No one questioned me then.
But in the work grown up money and suit world of adulthood
For a grown man to wear pearls is weakness.
For most of us being T on a daily basis is stealth
Is a black bag of tricks,
Is a warm spot in the belly
Is a secret written on the page in a room of illiterates
Is paint mixing on the palette
A song in the air, the wine warm, the weather holding.
It’s interesting. And I allowed myself to block these memories and experiences. Repress them.
Stress hormones help create complex and strong neural networks for memories to be stored; which is why repressed memories can come back strong and visceral, despite having happened decades ago.
I always felt like a phony around my male friends.
Especially when conversation switched onto an Alpha male line
And like a tramp, I began to fade to the back of the car
As more and more citizens jumped on board.
With the women I feel like an outsider.
Wanting them, and wanting to be them,
and knowing that if I was one of them,
I would not be welcomed in their arms.
Sometimes it is the sound of bells
The caress of a fine dress
That swirls the motes into the air
Freedom, o free, o pulsing heart