Friday, February 6, 2009

Drawbacks about being T in the rural south

Going out en femme is verboten!

At least not any where in the vacinity of distant relatives. Rule of thumb, at least leave the county.

Perhaps more than in an urban area, the impact of your personality upon your community and family is, or at least feels magnified.

At least in a city or large urban area you can go out and be a nobody.

But in the country, there's a big spotlight on you if you stray from the norm.

Oh yeah. Stealth mode baby

And yes it sucks to deny yourself. But in my situation I can manage the anxiety, the gender dysphoria with my one night a week jaunt into myself.

There aren't a lot of trans people. Or gay people.

At least where I live the gay lifestyle is accepted at best and tolerated at worst.

There's a uber macho vibe, which I can get into for like a few hours max, and then I'm tapped. I jumped off the alpha male train years ago.

In the last six months I have acknowledged my trans-ness, or whatever. Living in this macho culture really made me repress my trans self (I hesitate to say trans self because it implies that it is separate of my self and therefore "other". I say my trans self is not "other" but is a part, perhaps half of my self. But how else to explain? Stop brain, stop.) and I almost destroyed myself.

Seriously. I stared it down. Was maybe 90% there, but luckily 10% fought back.


Coming out

More pain and suffering and now

happy days. I didn't destroy myself, but I did deviate from my thesis, my impoetus, my muse of this post.

I am wearing pearls and cool Victorian goth costume bracelet, a wool skirt, black tights, 3 inch mules, and cute sweater dress that on my long and lean frame serves me better as long top. Anyhow, it shapes my torso.

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